book title ideas

I am traveling in new york city this week so blogging will be light.

before my plane ride I was in the airport book store and saw some james michener books. they are fat and have cool one name titles, like "Hawaii", "Poland" and "Mexico." when I right a book, it will DEFINITELY have a one word title. I will title it "Book" (or maybe "Justice"), UNLESS two words connected by a hypen counts as one word, in which case I will call it "Giganto-Tits."

Geronimo

Need to start working out.

after thanksgiving and also my date with ariel I've decided I need to start working out. Its not like I look like Rerun from Whats Happening or anything (I'm not African-American), but my pants are too tight for me to button the top button, so Ive been walking around with the top button undone and my jeans a litle unzipped. I got thrown out of Toys R Us this morning.

Geronimo

Date went well, she's not a man

it is the eve of thanksgiving and I have much to be thankful for. particularly that my date with Ariel went very very well. No boning, but she is a classy lady and classy ladies dont bone right away, pervs.

I didnt really get to bring up any of my planned topics (see below post) but religion did come up. I said "What kind of name is Cohen?" and she said jewish and I said great and that I defintely hated Mel Gibson and the beatles. she said why the beatles? I said, well, they have that racist song "Hey Jew" and I've hated them since I heard it (which is true). Even though I'm not jewish, I still say we need to respect all religions and not hate, and the last thing we need is foreigners spreading hate. She said I was very sweet, but the song is Hey Jude, and it is not anti-semitic, and I didnt need to hate the beatles anymore. So she liked me for that and plus I can stop hating the beatles. I'll be sure to buy their next album.

I also subtly confirmed that Ariel isnt a post-op transexual, so we are going to go out again next week. (I said, "hey, do you know any post-op transexuals, because he/she could be a good candidate for political office -- the strengths of both sexes", she said no.)

Geronimo

big date coming

I have a date tomorrow!!!! Last week I finally just talked to that girl on the bus (Ariel Cohen), just introducing myself, no stupid pickup lines or anything. turns out she likes Lord of the Rings and we had a lot in common, so we agreed to get dinner at olive garden, because we both love italian food.

today I bought very good wine (the bottle said it was Grape-Flavored) from the convenience store, and lots of air freshener in case she or I needs to take a dump when we get back to my apartment after olive garden. sometimes that happens if I have too much of their all you can eat fettucine "olivefredo."

I was putting together a list of stuff we could talk about at dinner, and here's what I thought of:

1. does she like people with harelips, not me personally, just as a general matter?
2. pros and cons of being blind
3. whether Jesus would have approved of abortion where the health of the mother is at risk
4. who is the most successful ethnic group?
5. favorite movies
6. the time I asked my granddad about him and grandma having the old-fashioned twin beds and he said "dont worry my dick can reach." I will say penis not dick because I do not want to be vulgar with a lady.

please post other ideas if you have them.

Geronimo

Special Olympics suggestions

I support the special olympics but think there should be more events. for starters they should have a Special Olympics Spelling Bee. also they should only give medals to the winners.

Geronimo

Unexpectedly moist is bad.

in the movies charity work always seems like it would be fun and hot girls will date you for it, but when I did it there were not hot girls, just a lot of drooling old people who looked about probably 500 or 600 years old. some also wore what looked kind of like huge diapers. when I sat in one of the wheelchairs to take a breather, it was unexpectedly moist. what do you think it was? I hope it was an old person's tears and not something disgusting.

Geronimo

the day after

ok so I posted again while drunk but I think it is ok because it was in furtherance of romance. she left behind her upper dentures and I would like to return them but dont know where she lives. maybe she'll call for them, when I called the number she gave me it was a funeral home. I'm also missing my wallet and clock radio.

Geronimo

I WILL DRINK WHENVER I GODDAM WANT.

YEAH. so tonight I was out drinking kingwich style (soco and zimas), tearing it up like usual and this SUPER HOT chick was all up on my junk. I told her my favorite fictional wizard was GANDALF, not harry potter or that half-demon cocknibbler Merlin. she said she thought gandalf was dope, potter was cute, but agreed Merlin was a blue ribbon asspuke.

I got her number (how you like them apples, just like will hunting) and asked her if she wanted to come home with me. she said yes, so we got to my apartment and started to bone. I'd had a bit too much drink, so when I tried to put it in, my jimmy was so soft it folded in on itself. Doesnt matter, bc I dont know if she noticed because she was passed out at that point. shes asleep in my bed now. I wish I had one of those webcams.

Geroimo

Ed Bradley, RIP

Ed Bradley died today. It is a big loss for everyone, because Ed Bradley was one of the first openly black reporters on television. I may have some problems with 60 Minutes, but I never had any problem with Ed Bradley.

Geronimo

Polar bears drink coke, kill eskimos.

I like Coke but tried to help them out on their use of polar bears. I sent the below email a couple days but have not yet heard back. Maybe I should have sent the above pictures?

Dear Coca Cola,

Coke is it! I drink a lot of Coke and want to help you.

You are using cartoon polar bears in your Christmas campaign to sell Coke products, and I think that it is great, as I love both Coke and polar bears. But you should know that a polar bear would never wear a scarf or hat or ANY clothes for that matter, and some of your depictions of Coke-drinking polar bears have them wearing scarves or stuff. That is wrong, polar bears have VERY warm fur and are built to surive in cold climates without warm clothing. Ask any Eskimo if you don't trust me.

The only way a polar bear might have a scarf or hat or something is if he got it stuck on him after killing a scarf-wearing human, and I do not think Coke wants killer bears as its pitchmen! It also kind of makes you seem anti-Eskimo, because they would probably be who a polar bear could/would have killed and accidentally taken a scarf from.

I'm just saying.

Sincerely,

G. Swanson

The Elections: Whatever.

Yeh I know it is election day but I dont vote. Why should I? No one of either party ever does what I propose: world peace, ray-guns (for crime), no virgins after 17, etc. One of the three would be nice. The last one.

Geronimo

Rolls Royce is very snobby.

So yesterday I had written an email to Rolls Royce asking for them to send me a hood ornament (see a couple posts below). Anyway they wrote back saying no. Apparently they need to be big snobby jerks and hoard all their hood ornaments, even the ones they wont end up using. Here are the emails:

My letter:

Dear Rolls Royce:

I accept that I cannot buy a Rolls Royce at this stage in my life. But I am young and so I have a lot of time to save. (My grandfather lived to 94, for example, and he only died in an explosion, not from old age.) I think someday I will be able to buy a used Rolls.

But I really like your brand right now. I don’t want to wait. Can you send me a hood ornament from one of your cars? You probably have some left over from the factory that you would otherwise just melt into scrap metal. Give it to me instead. I would like to have it so that I can weld it onto my Ford Escort (which you must admit is also a pretty good car).

Thanks for hearing me out, and thanks for making such great cars.

Sincerely,

G. Swanson

Rolls Royce saying no:

Dear Mr Swanson,

Thank you for your interest in Rolls-Royce Motor Cars. I am sorry to inform you that we are unable to send you a hood ornament from one of our cars.

If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to contact me again.

Yours sincerely,

Samantha Cullum
Customer Relationship Department

Secret society idea and names.

Ok I think I need to start a secret society. You read a lot about secret societies doing bad things, but my secret society will be for good. first I have to come up with a name. I wanted to go with G-Unit but I understand that was taken by 50 Cents. Here are my other choices:

a. The Anti-Fuckwads (direct)
b. The Secretions (pun)
c. The Secret Lovers of All Men (gay)
d. The Contagious-Killer-Disease-Havers Club (misdirection)
e. What Club? (denial)
f. The Gandalfs (ok I admit that is my favorite)
g. Citizens of Oakland

Let me know what you think.

Geronimo

Letter to Rolls royce

With all their faults foreigners make good cars though I think we can all admit. I really love rolls royces, but am too poor right now to buy one, plus I don't know where to get English dollars. anyways I wrote a letter to RR to see maybe if they will give me a left over hood ornament. I think it would be pimpish to have a RR hood ornament.

Dear Rolls Royce:

I accept that I cannot buy a Rolls Royce at this stage in my life. But I am young and so I have a lot of time to save. (My grandfather lived to 94, for example, and he only died in an explosion, not from old age.) I think someday I will be able to buy a used Rolls.

But I really like your brand right now. I don’t want to wait. Can you send me a hood ornament from one of your cars? You probably have some left over from the factory that you would otherwise just melt into scrap metal. Give it to me instead. I would like to have it so that I can weld it onto my Ford Escort (which you must admit is also a pretty good car).

Thanks for hearing me out, and thanks for making such great cars.

Sincerely,

G. Swanson

I am actually not going to put the ornament on a Ford Escort (I dont even have a car). I will wear it as a necklace but didnt want to tell them that because they are probably not up on US fashions and might think that was lame.

Geronimo

tallest man ever?

Look how tall that one guy is. I wonder if he ever played in the NBA. He must have been like 10 feet tall. The guy all the way on the right looks a little bit like Willis from Different Strokes, but it prolly isnt him. I loved that show.

Geronimo

Against Racism Against Orientals

I am very tired of people being racist towards orientals. I am not one, but have trained in the martial arts (6th dan kung fu black belt) and have great respect for asian cultures. Pearl Harbor was a long time ago and I think it is about time time we stopped using the phrase "chink in the armor" to mean weak place where you can be attacked. thank you.

Geronimo

I have a cold.

I got the latest cold going around. I dont know where I got it, maybe from my landlord, who recently died. Yay! She was mean. She is (was) just the type to give someone a cold right before dying.

I also recently learned that my toothbrush is useful for cleaning things other than my teeth.

Geronimo