I am sorry.

To Everyone,

Last night I posted stuff while drinking and it was very inappropriate. That is not who I am. However, I am leaving it up as a lesson to myself, to never post while drunk.

Geronimo

screw you if you dont think I am the best

yeah so I went out tonight and hit on a bunch of chicks and none of my lines worked, nobody wants to learn to speak elvish or cares about the fantastic four. whatever it is the bee-atches loss, Im a catch even with my harelip. anyways the icy hoes didnt stop me from drinking like a fuckin man and gettting bombed. time for two more soco shots! ok very good.

where was I, right, I am a stud in every way. They say the pen is mightier than the sword but neither is mightier than my dick, it is bigger than a christmas ham, it would have sunk the titanic if that iceberg didnt. My crank has eaten more furburger than billy jean king. Ive got a movie coming out soon thats going to be huge, its called "My Nuts." You might have already seen the movie about my dong called the Neverending Story. haha.

Im also wrecking shop at my new job telemarketing. I am telemarkting the shit out of my region, makin amazing sales, Im so good I could sell a turban to a klansmen. I could telemarket waterboarding to terrorists if I had to.

if you dont believe me and just think i am drunk smacktalking whatever I will kung fu-ck you up, at the time of my choosing, you weak shiteaters

geronmo

Horse robots

It is about time for more robots. For example, we kill racehorses if they break a leg. That is not fair, because we don't kill humans with an injured leg (or even the very old). Just because the horse cant win races anymore we kill him? Well if we treated humans like that we'd have to kill a lot of injured NFL players and everyone in the Special Olympics. That is SO wrong, although it would't be hard.

With horse robots, we could fix the broken legs and then we wouldn't have to kill any horses or violate horse rights. Horses dont have as many Constitutional rights as humans but they have some. Plus we could program the horse robots to talk!

In conclusion, horse robots protect horse rights. No one realizes this.

Geronimo

Jews v. Muslims

Jews v. Muslims -- who would win? Also, I'm not counting Jesus as a Jew even though technically he was one.

Geronimo

Good and Bad Names

I really respect Chow Yun Fat not only because he is a GREAT actor (much better than Mark Wallberg in The Corruptor and he kicked Mel Gibson's ass in Lethal Weapon 4) but also because it must have been hard to be named "Mr. Fat" and get ladies. That is prolly the worst name you can have, not counting having a swear word as a last name (example, Mr. Shitkicker, Mr. Wang, etc). The only names I could think of offhand that are worse are Mr. Rapist and Mr. Rapistwithaids.

Geronimo

Girl on bus part II

see post below to understand.

my friend has other opening lines he thinks are good also:

4. "Have you ever killed anything?"

5. "Do you think kung fu is a more lethal martial art than jiu-jitsu?"

6. "Do you think Reed Richards came up with 'Mr. Fantastic' himself, or was that his girlfriend Sue Storm when she realized how good his stretching powers would be?"

Geronimo

Girl on bus

A friend of mine wants some girl advice, so he came to me (I have been with prolly 1000, maybe 2000 chicks). anyways there is this babe on the bus to work he sits next to and he likes her and wants to ask her out but doesnt know what to say to her. she is not the driver.

he wants to know which of the following lines is the best:

1. "hi, do you want to learn how to speak elvish?"

2. "ouch! you're sitting on my dick."

3. "did you just fart? if not, I'll tell you my name."

Geronimo

detroit is like prison without bars

I recently got a job and one of the first things I had to do was go to detroit on business. detroit is the worst.

partial list of things better than being in detroit:

1. having hole torn in my nuts
2. abandoned on moon
3. ebola
4. being the elephant man

Geronimo

Wesley Snipes ruins Jeffersons Movie

I just read today that wesley snipes (left) is going to get arrested for not paying taxes. I am upset because now the Jeffersons movie he was going to be in might not get made. He was going to be Lionel Jefferson (right), sherman helmsley was going to play himself, and I heard that oprah winfrey (not pictured) was up for the part of Weezy.

Geronimo

Model for Piston Honda now working for North Korea

North Korea's UN ambassodor (Pak something) looks exactly like piston honda in a suit.

Nintendo is racist b/c they said p. honda was japanese when obviously he was based on a north korean guy. japan is very diff than n. korea! nintendo of all people should know that.

Geronimo

small world

Small world! I just ran into a guy I knew a long time ago. He just had a son (I think adopted). His name is Seth Grossberg and his son's name is Dewaynius Jenkins-Grossberg. Seth's the guy on the left.

Seth and Dewaynius

Geronimo

hope kathy lee is alive

I wrote a letter to Regis to find out about the missing Kathy Lee.

Dear Regis

Unfortunately I havent had a tv for ten years and that was the last time I watched your show until recently when I got a new tv. But now I am back on my feet and happy to see you are stil funny after all these years! But there is a new girl host, not Kathy Lee.

What happened to Kathy Lee? Is she dead? I hope not.

Glad to be back watching,

Geronimo

It is true that I just started watching the show again but I lied about not having a tv for ten years (it was only a few years) because I didnt want him to feel bad about me not watching when I DID have a tv. I think it is ok to lie in this situation because you are being nice. Kind of like when someone is going away and asks you to feed their pets, I always lie and say I will so the owner doesn't worry.

Geronimo

CVS lets me down

CVS responded to my email about pills that get animals to talk. Unfortunately according to "Natalie Vachon", who is almost certainly a robot, CVS has no such pills. Thats a shame because they would be good sellers. Here is my original email and their response:

My email:

Dear CVS,

Do you sell pills that make animals talk?

I think my landlord is stealing from me and if my cat could talk that would prove it.

Thanks,

G. Swanson

CVS response:

Dear Mr. Swanson:

Thank you for your email regarding that particular product. Unfortunately, CVS/pharmacy does not sell or manufacture that item.

As always, thank you for your patronage of CVS/pharmacy

Sincerely,

Natalie Vachon
Customer Relations Representative NV03253614

I dont like that CVS accused me of patronizing them, I was serious. Stupid CVS and their worthless non-animal-talking pills. You can get aspirin anywhere, it's animal talkers we need.

Anyways now I need another way to catch my landlord stealing. She had a second stroke yesterday so it might be easier, but I have ruled out some ideas because now it would not be fair to punch her in the head.

Geronimo

hollywood might be racist

Another movie about truman capote (the third, if you count jim carrey's the truman show) is coming out and a british guy is playing truman. I think this shows hollywood is racist because they refuse to cast black (or chinese) actors in the role of truman. you may say well truman was gay and white so british is perfect but stupid it is called acting. Face facts -- Superman was a kryptonian but chris reeve wasnt; the woman who played Helen Keller wasn't retarded; the guy in Soul Man wasnt actually black, etc. If a white guy can play a black guy in Soul Man, why cant Michael Clarke Duncan play Truman Capote? I think we all agree Michael Clarke Duncan is a very good actor. Also Chow Yun Fat.

Even if you dont like Mr. Fat, my point is you dont have to be the same race as the character! If you did than we couldnt ever make movies like Planet of the Apes or Star Trek because there are no talking apes or Klingons, at least not professional ape or Klingon actors. Acting is not about looks. I think President Bush looks like a monkey, but that doesn't mean he can act like one. Maybe that's not the best example.

Geronimo

hard to make towel into parachute

I always wanted to skydive but cant afford it so today I tried my own version but it didnt work. what I did was I got the largest beach towel I could find and then jumped out my apartment window (I live on the second floor). I thought I would float down slowly using the towel as a parachute. That WAS NOT what happened -- instead I dropped like a rock. I am ok only b/c a homeless guy broke my fall.

DONT TRY THIS AT HOME!!!!

Geronimo

ugly woman causing trouble

Kim Il-Jong just blew up a nuclear weapon. She is the ugliest woman I have ever seen, maybe that's why she wants to kill everybody. Kim is usually a hot name tho.

Geronimo

letter to 60 minutes

Here my email to 60 minutes. Do you think I should have asked for money if they switch over to the Super Journalists idea? look how good I can write when I try hard!!! I could have gone to a private school if I had money.

Dear 60 Minutes:

You have the best show on television. It is so informative. Steve Kroft is terrific, and Mickey Rooney is great. The other people seem like they know what they are doing also. What do you pay them?

I don't like the title of your show, though. "60 Minutes"? That is dumb. All hour long shows take 60 minutes. You are so much better, you should have a better name. I suggest "The Super Journalists." If you don't like that title, I have more, I can send them to you by fax if you ask. What is your fax number, please?

Face facts, the title "60 Minutes" has got to go. Your show isn't even 60 Minutes long. With commercials, it is about 44 minutes. So your title is a lie! Don't you think it is ironical that you spend all your time catching other people in lies (like those Vietnamese villagers that one time who lied about the American soldiers) while you are lying the whole time? What would you say if somebody you were questioning said to you, "Who are you to talk, you lie about how long your show is?" You wouldn't face that sort of retort if your show were called "The Super Journalists."

Anyway, chin up, I will still watch your show. When will Harry Reasoner be returning?

Best,

G. Swanson

cvs and stupid landlord

People keep telling me that they support my letters. So I am going to try to write more letters even if no one responds. Here is my latest:

Dear CVS,

Do you sell pills that make animals talk? I think my landlord is stealing from me and if my cat could talk that would prove it.

Thanks,

G. Swanson

I hate my landlord. She is 85 and smells like cheese.

Geronimo

supernatural shit

I took a crap this morning that looked a lot like this.

Geronimo

hilary hiding things

Ok, I think I have to rethink voting for Hilary Clinton for President. I wanted to donate to her campaign and emailed her campaign people to find out if she was fat/obese because that is a health threat to MILLIONS (watch the news and you'll see its true) and that would affect my vote. She has a big dumper but that doesnt prove she's overweight (think of J-Lo), BUT the fact that her people wont give me her weight has me worried. Not only for health reasons, but if shes hiding that what else is she hiding? What if she's also hiding the fact that she's blind or something? Here's the email I wrote:

Dear Hillary Team:

I am so glad Hillary is running for President!!! I know she will do a better job than her ex-husband.

I want to donate some money to her campaign but I have one question first. How much does Hillary weigh? She does not look too fat but the news just said that even slight obesity can cause the deaths of millions. Maybe the scientists are wrong but you can never be too careful. I am six feet tall and weigh 179 pounds.

Go Hillary!

Sincerely, G. Swanson

Anyways, tell me if I should still donate. I may still vote for her and just risk it though.

Geronimo

fantastic four

just saw the fantastic four on dvd. having jessica alba play the invisible woman is the dumbest thing ever. shes like the hottest chick alive, and they make her invisible.

also, does the thing crap rocks? how does he wipe his ass then? I was hoping they would answer that in the movie.

and what about his schlong? not that I've ever thought about it, I'm just saying. he dated a blind girl for a long time, but she never said anything.

Geronimo

Monkey v. goat

If a monkey fought a goat who would win? I think the monkey would win because monkeys are supposed to be five times stronger than humans, and I know I could beat a goat.

Actually I also think I could beat a monkey. What I would do is bring a banana and then throw it high up in the air. When the monkey was looking up at the banana, I would punch the monkey in the throat.

Geronimo

back posting

No posting for a long time because Ive been really sad because Nasa turned me down. I think they found out I had a harelip.

Anyway, Ive been watching movies to cheer myself up and I really like a League of Their Own. One part I dont get has to do with Rosie O Donnell. I dont know if you remember, but she is talking to Jeena Davis and says "she was sad because the boys never liked me because I could play good" or something like that. I thought Rosie was a lesbian so why would she care? even if she wasnt a lesbian maybe the boys didnt like her because she's fat and ugly as fuck and looks like she might have a dong. no offense to rosie.

Geronimo