this is not a very good picture of yoko ono

Geronimo

corn energy?

One way to solve the energy crisis might be to use ethanol instead of oil. Apparently ethanol is made of corn!!! I didn't know you could make anything out of corn except food and turds.

It's amazing what they can do now!!! Maybe someday they'll be able to make sausage out of corn.

Geronimo

letter to nasa about job

I DID IT!!!!! I actually applied for a job at nasa!

can you imagine how awesome it would be for me to be in space. there's also no way I'd have to go to pluto now that it's not a planet. Pluto was definitely the planet I wanted to go to the least, so that's a relief. here's my letter, tell me if you think I have a chance:

Dear Nasa,

First, keep up the "stellar" work! But seriously, you are humanity's greatest hope (landing on the moon, tang, etc.) and I want to help, so please send me an application for astronaut. I would like to apply for the job.

I have some questions, though. I do not have any experience flying any sort of spaceship, only driving cars and one time a kind-of futuristic-looking sled. Do you have any openings for astronauts who don't know how to fly? Wasn't Einstein an astronaut before he discovered light? I'm pretty sure he wasn't a pilot.

You should know that I am also thinking about changing religions, to Muslim. Can Muslims be astronauts too? If not, let me know. I assume Catholics cannot be astronauts, but that does not affect me because I stopped being Catholic a while ago (right now I am an animist). My opinion is that outer space is for all religions, but I will not tell you how to run your business. I will consider converting to whatever religion necessary to be a spaceman.

What kinds of weapons do astronauts carry? I will need some training there, because I have always defended myself using only kung-fu (self taught). Also, what is the pay?

In closing, I'm a HUGE fan and really hope I get to work at Nasa.

Thank you,

G. Swanson

Tell me what you all think!!!!

Muslim pope

does anyone know the name of the muslim pope?

Geronimo

Thinking about converting to Muslim.

Although I think I know what my next job will be I am still depressed about getting fired. I am thinking about changing religions. I want to convert to Muslim. I stopped being Catholic after I read the Da Vinci Code. I tried to be an animist (most people have never heard of that, it just means you worship trees and bears, not Satan or anything), but I think I'm worshipping the wrong animals.

I always read about Muslim protestors protesting stuff in the middle of the workday. Does the Muslim church pay them to do that (maybe like we get paid for jury duty here in the US)? It always looks like the same guys. They must be missing a lot of work. Being unemployed I think I could help them out with the protesting. I also like their outfits.

I read that if you are a good muslim than you get 72 virgins. Even if its less than that that still sounds pretty good. If anyone knows anything please post a comment. Otherwise I will contact the Muslim Pope (or whatever he is called) to ask about the conversion process.

Geronimo

next job!!

Oh I almost forgot. I'm feeling better because I know what I want my next job to be. Astronaut.

I figure not all astronauts have to be pilots, only some of them. plus with all the shuttle explosions, prolly not many people want the job. I have always wanted to be an astronaut because it would be fun to kill aliens.

Geronimo

Bummed Out

I didnt post anything yesterday because it was a total dick sandwich of a day.

I got fired from my job (I worked in phone sales for company that sells clothes, mostly pants). I think I got fired because I have a harelip.

What I was told is that I got fired because my sales numbers werent good enough and I was sending out work letters on plain white paper instead of on company letterhead and apparently you're not supposed to do that. also, one customer complained that I allejedly made sexual remarks while trying to sell pants. the customer had wanted a certain size and all we had was a larger size in that style, so to try to make the sale I said sometimes a bigger size was good, because then if you got a boner people were less likely to know you had one. the customer turned out to be a she.

anyways, the job sucked and I wasnt happy so I guess this is for the best. I think the key to life is finding something you love and then doing that. unless you love children. anyways, I hope in my next job I get to wear some sort of hat.

Geronimo

People I'd have dinner with.

One fun party game is to list the top five people, living or dead, you really really want to have dinner with. Here is my list, I hope people post theirs:

1. Jessica Simpson
2. The pope
3. The head jewish person (whatever you call the jewish equivalent of pope)
4. Jesus Christ
5. My dad

I wouldn't pick anyone with a mustache because sometimes food gets stuck in mustaches, and I hate that, and I would be distracted and not pay attention, which would be a complete waste of a pick. Anyway theres my list.

Geronimo

Ok, the Library of Congress is pretty good.

I am a big enough to admit when I am wrong. So I take back what I said about the Library of Congress. It turns out they are nice guys there who help the blind and crippled (and I assume the retarded) as well as Congress. The Chief Worden (not sure why the head guy at a library is called the same thing as a head guy at a prision, but whatever he was really nice) wrote me back.

My original letter:

Dear Librarians:

Please explain to me the following. Why does Congress need a special library? Can’t they just use a regular library, or the Internet, like everyone else?

Is it true the Library of Congress costs millions of dollars a year? It’s a waste. I bet you $10 that most of the Senators and Congressman (not including their aides) have not checked out a single book in the last year! If more than half of them did, I'll send you $10, but please give me a list of the Senators & Congressman who took out a book. The Freedom of Information Act entitles me to that. I know my rights.

Anyway, even if some of them are using it, they probably could just go to a regular library, which would be much cheaper. How many books have Congressmen taken out in the last year that weren’t also available at the local library? None, I bet! If you tell me differently, again, I’d like to see a list.

I’m sick and tired of paying for all these bells and whistles just so the fat-cats in Washington can whoop it up in a fancy library. If I had known my Senator was going to spend his time in the library instead of representing me I never would have voted for him in 2003.

People are starving every day. Soldiers are dying in Iraq. Seniors aren’t getting healthcare. Soon we might not be able to afford air. All this because some Congressmen want more books than they could ever read in 1000 lifetimes?

Then you wonder why people never learn to read.

A concerned citizen awaits your response,

G. Swanson

Library of Congress reply:

Dear Mr. Swanson:

Thank you for your inquiry to the Federal Research Division, the fee-for-service research unit of the Library of Congress. The Library of Congress is the National Library of the United States. As such it serves not only the needs of the U.S. Congress but the other branches of government (Executive and Judicial), state and local government, the scholarly community, the media and publishing industries, and the general public. My own division performs research for Executive branch agencies, such as the Department of Defense, to which we provide information on foreign countries, economies, and cultures, and to the Department of Health and Human Services and the Social Security Administration, to which we have provided information on a wide range of health-care and disability issues.

Since the Library of Congress is universal in scope of what it collects (we now have more than 130,000,000 items), it serves broad national and international constituencies. Most of this information can not be found in other libraries or on the Internet. Because of the Library's broad collection policies, it has unique materials about our own nation and many other nations that are not available anywhere else in the world. The Library of Congress often has the only surviving copy of many books, newspapers, and documents. The Library of Congress also operates the U.S. Copyright Office , which helps manage a critical part of the nation's intellectual property rights. Furthermore, the Library of Congress runs the National Library Services for the Blind and Physically Handicapped, which throuh regional and subregional libraries provided 22 million recorded cassettes and 642,000 Braille books in Fiscal Year 2005 to U.S. citizens who are visually or physically impaired.

Members of Congress and Congressional staff and Congressional committee staff members use the Library in person and through requests made to the Congressional Research Service (CRS). In Fiscal Year 2005, CRS responded to 906,445 such requests for information from Congress. Many of these requests are made on behalf of constituents, citizens who live in the Congressional districts represented by these Members of Congress. Because of the Privacy Act, the nature of these requests is not available for me to provide the list you request.

If you wish to learn more about the Library of Congress, we invite you to look at the Webpage "About the Library of Congress." It can be accessed at http://www.loc.gov/about/.

Best wishes,

Robert L. Worden, PhD
Chief, Federal Research Division
Library of Congress ... 101 Independence Ave SE, LA-5282
Washington, DC 20540-4840
Phone: 202-XXX-XXX... Fax: 202-XXX-XXXX.
http://www.loc.gov/rr/frd

misunderstanding

ok, just to clear things up, in the below post, I wasnt saying I didn't like books -- books are great -- I was just saying that congress is spending all this money on books they don't even read.

other than holy books, my favorite books are: Harry Potter and John Grishman books. I also used to like Garfield, but he's not as funny anymore.

Geronimo

LETTER TO LIBRARY OF CONGRESS!

With Congress today doing such a bad job, I got really hot about them wasting all that money on the Library of Congress (which they clearly DONT use), so I wrote the following email to them. I spent alot of time making sure the grammer and spelling was right -- unlike this blog, hahaha!!!!!! I can write smart when I need to. Here it is:

Dear Librarians:

Please explain to me the following. Why does Congress need a special library? Can’t they just use a regular library, or the Internet, like everyone else?

Is it true the Library of Congress costs millions of dollars a year? It’s a waste. I bet you $10 that most of the Senators and Congressman (not including their aides) have not checked out a single book in the last year! If more than half of them did, I'll send you $10, but please give me a list of the Senators & Congressman who took out a book. The Freedom of Information Act entitles me to that. I know my rights.

Anyway, even if some of them are using it, they probably could just go to a regular library, which would be much cheaper. How many books have Congressmen taken out in the last year that weren’t also available at the local library? None, I bet! If you tell me differently, again, I’d like to see a list.

I’m sick and tired of paying for all these bells and whistles just so the fat-cats in Washington can whoop it up in a fancy library. If I had known my Senator was going to spend his time in the library instead of representing me I never would have voted for him in 2003.

People are starving every day. Soldiers are dying in Iraq. Seniors aren’t getting healthcare. Soon we might not be able to afford air. All this because some Congressmen want more books than they could ever read in 1000 lifetimes?

Then you wonder why people never learn to read.

A concerned citizen awaits your response,

G. Swanson

what do you guys think...am I off base here?!?!? you can tell me if I was, I just go so mad, you know.

Geronimo

Go Gandalf!

Ok, I know LOTR is just a movie and stuff, but how sweet would it be if Gandalf really existed? dont say you haven't thought about it. I think he'd be nice but tough and he'd definitely side with the US against the terrorists.

does anyone know whether LOTR 4 will ever come out?

Geronimo

Stop being racist!!!!

We can't forget that even though 9-11 was the worst, and the terrorists are evil, we shouldn't discriminate tho IMO. most people don't know that NONE of the terrorists wore turbans or anything on their heads.

right after 9-11, though, guys like this guy here got cursed and insulted, even though they were totally innocent (I'm assuming this guy is innocent, I don't know for sure. I just pulled it off the internet to make a point).

dont be racist or the terrorists win!!!

Geronimo

See below

People say we got caught with our pants down on 9-11 by the terrorists. well, if our pants were down (ok, they were), then that means the terrorists are in perfect position to eat a dick.

sorry to be so vulgar, but 9-11 gets me so mad. like martin luther king said, "can't we just all get along"?

also, without 9-11, I don't think clinton gets impeached, and face facts, he was probably a better president that Bush.

Geronimo

Terrorists need to eat a dick.

more on this later today.

Geronimo

fashion is really ugly

why do fashion models wear ugly clothes on the runways anyways? who buys this stuff? it looks like a huge can top got bent and landed on her shoulder. the models would look better naked. not the men.

Geronimo

not related!!!!!!!!!!

people ask me if I am related to the swansons who make the tv dinners. I am not, and actually, I get offended when people say that, because I remember when I didnt have a tv, whenever I would see those dinners at topps supermarket I would get so sad I didnt have a tv and feel really bad about it. I hate swansons' and their stupid dinners. I have to be fair tho and admit the apple crisp dessert is really good tho.

Geronimo

solar energy

we will never run out of solar energy, except when the sun burns out, so we should focus on that, instead of oil. Look at irak. we are fighting there for oil spending billions when we wouldn't have to worry about it if we could just land on the sun and harvest its energy. if we can land on the moon, we can do the sun.

Geronimo

Cuba Gossett Jr. is one of favorite actors. Radio is really, really good, one of the best movies he's made, maybe one of the best movies ever. the critics didn't like it, but I don't think they understood that cuba's character was retarded.

Geronimo